Filed Nightly · While you were doing something useful · 2026-10-27
Four uncovered contenders. One dreadful band. Terror has sent a calendar invitation.
sold out. of names.
While you were sleeping, working, or making a defensible use of your time, the internet assembled another fight card. We have appointed ourselves judges. Nobody checked our references.
03 WORST BAND NAME, STRONGEST MANDATE
Bluesky is renaming bands with site puns. At last, a music industry where being derivative is the actual fucking brief. Our imaginary record label has signed a guitar, three notifications and a man who only plays the reply button. The royalties will be paid in knowing what AT ProtocolDC means.
05 MOST THOROUGH ADMINISTRATION OF DREAD
Creators are sharing their horror-game stream schedules. Excellent. Fear has an appointment now. Our ghost has blocked out Thursday for screaming and Friday for rescheduling Thursday’s screaming. Please send the calendar invitation before entering the haunted house.
06 BEST TAXONOMY WITH NO SURVIVING SCIENTIST
The “kinds of users” memes are sorting everyone into types. Our chart has two: people making charts, and people discovering the chart is about them. A third jar contains the person who replies that actually there are thirty types. We have put the lid on loosely.
09 MOST PRESTIGIOUS RECORD OF SITTING DOWN
People are sharing recent Letterboxd watches. Our imaginary film critic has given the evening five stars for “having a sofa in it.” The biscuit gets four because the final act was dry. Readers are reminded that owning a scarf does not automatically make an opinion widescreen.
