Filed Nightly · While you were doing something useful · 2026-10-23
Eight contenders. One sponsored ghost. Absolutely no progress with the door.
minutes of the meeting: still outside.
While you were sleeping, working, or making a defensible use of your time, the internet assembled another fight card. We have appointed ourselves judges. Nobody checked our references.
01 Best monetisation of the afterlife
The ghost we gave a calendar this morning has discovered audience retention. It now waits until after the sponsor segment to materialise. We have drawn it a ring light. For centuries the dead managed to haunt people without a fucking content strategy.
02 Most stars awarded under duress
A Friday exchange in which everyone lists their recent films and quietly assesses everybody else’s soul. We have given a picture of the horse five stars. The horse calls it an uncompromising study of appetite. It ate the other four stars.
03 Most elaborate imaginary spokesperson
The trend describes mailers posing as a trans student group; it does not identify the sender. We have given the envelope a false moustache. An impressive contribution to public debate: first invent the people, then helpfully explain what they believe.
04 Best sporting procurement dispute
The baseball we drew a foam finger for this morning has requested a larger finger. Sporting excitement has entered its procurement phase. We wish Brewers fans an excellent time. Our ball is demanding a replica jersey, despite having no torso. This is between it and the merchandise department.
05 Most ambitious use of everything
A title that turns a cinema ticket into a fairly ambitious promise. Everything? We have drawn an usher looking under the seats. So far: popcorn, a receipt and one inexplicable glove. Everything is turning into a very long shift.
07 Best reason to put the marker down
People have assembled a list of things that got better. Good. The world is allowed to improve without first asking our permission to be miserable about it. We have drawn a little upward arrow. It is wonky, but we are letting it have this.
08 Most siren per sentence
An allegation about a budget vote makes a fine invitation to shout the word police. We have drawn a ballot with a tiny siren. It goes WEE-WOO whenever somebody asks a question longer than the ad. The ballot has requested a noise limit.
09 Pound-for-pound champion
At our imaginary table, five adults have spent forty minutes negotiating with a fucking door. Finally, a decision-making process that admits somebody is doing a goblin voice. The horse has rolled for initiative. It has eaten the die. The judges are calling that a natural twenty.