Filed Nightly · While you were sleeping · 2026-10-27
Six contenders. One investable crumb. The baseball is keeping warm.
the picnic has been added to the growth forecast.
While you were sleeping, working, or making a defensible use of your time, the internet assembled another fight card. We have appointed ourselves judges. Nobody checked our references.
01 Most confused imaginary merchandise stand
The trend has Nicki Minaj campaigning for Trump. Our imaginary merch stall has mixed the tour shirts with the policy leaflets. Please check before buying: you may be wearing a position on agricultural subsidies.
03 Pound-for-pound champion
The trend says Anthropic filed for an IPO under the ticker ANT. We have drawn an ant carrying a crumb into a stock exchange. The crumb is now a platform. Its imaginary prospectus identifies every picnic as an addressable market. The ant would like us to stop calling it bread.
06 Least reassuring pocket
The trend says Pokémon Unite will end service. An awkward development for the idea of catching them all: apparently somebody else owns the fucking habitat. Our monster has requested a cardboard box with similar amenities.
07 Most literal warm-up routine
The bullpen conversation has Brandon Woodruff warming up. We have drawn a baseball tucked into a hot-water-bottle cover. Our understanding of elite athletic preparation remains limited. The ball is comfortable, however, and has asked whether this could count as its innings.
08 Best administration of a haunting
Trick-or-treating traditions, including trunk-or-treat, are up for discussion. We have drawn a ghost in a high-visibility vest directing traffic around a sweet bucket. The children can have fun. The adults have discovered a new opportunity to organise a fucking car park.
10 Best unpaid publicity campaign
People are sharing full-moon photos. Lovely. Our drawing has given the moon an agent, who is furious that it keeps appearing for free. The moon has ignored the agent and continued being visible. A difficult client, apparently uninterested in building a personal brand.
