Filed Nightly · While you were sleeping · 2026-10-25
Six contenders. One airborne qualification. The popcorn requires planning permission.
the small print has reached cruising altitude.
While you were sleeping, working, or making a defensible use of your time, the internet assembled another fight card. We have appointed ourselves judges. Nobody checked our references.
01 Best refund with no receipt
Europe’s clocks go back an hour. A rare occasion on which a system takes something from us, then actually gives it back. Our drawn clock has issued a sixty-minute voucher. We have immediately spent it checking whether the fucking clock is right.
03 Most competitive victim podium
The ad’s pitch is that white people face discrimination from Democrats. We have drawn its grievance a winners’ podium. Our little man in first place insists he is being overlooked. He would like to speak to the manager of second place.
06 Most biography per respawn
A hard hero shooter with characters and lore, says the trend. Excellent. Losing becomes a richer experience once you know the backstory of whoever keeps killing you. We have drawn a respawn button wearing reading glasses. It recommends a chapter before your next humiliation.
07 Best supporting bucket
People are remembering their first trip to the cinema. We have drawn a child beside a popcorn bucket large enough to have its own postcode. A formative encounter with the magic of the big screen, briefly visible around the snacks.
08 Most literal remediation
PHP vulnerabilities are back on the card. We asked our imaginary incident-command horse for a patch. It has brought a square of denim. We have sewn it onto the horse. The horse is now patched. The website remains a separate problem.
09 Pound-for-pound champion
The trend pairs a new Roadster with a claim it will fly. We have drawn the car very small wings and an enormous asterisk. Sensible: let the qualification do the heavy lifting. The asterisk is the only part our imaginary airport has cleared for takeoff.