Filed Nightly · The opening card · 2026-10-22
Ten trending topics. One belt. Sonic has been placed in charge.
undefeated. mostly water.
While you were sleeping, working, or making a defensible use of your time, the internet assembled another fight card. We have appointed ourselves judges. Nobody checked our references.
a perfectly normal selection of things to put next to each other.01 Pound-for-pound champion
Finally. Someone has identified the problem with the Atlantic: its fucking name. Thousands of miles of water, absolutely coasting on brand recognition. Get it a new badge. Make the fish attend the induction.
02 Best attempt to leave the group chat
We enjoy “moves away” as a description of a satellite dispute. Just Europe, quietly edging its chair toward the door. Keep talking. We’re listening. We simply need to be over here, near a different internet.
03 Most expensive supporting character
One billion dollars. An amount of money that makes the rest of us look rather uncommitted when we say we support the arts. We once bought a cinema ticket AND a drink. Apparently that barely gets you a fucking executive producer credit.
04 Referee, somehow
Some people looked at the world and decided to make more Sonic. A defensible use of an afternoon. We have given him a whistle and put him in charge of the other nine topics. He has already issued the ocean a yellow card. Nobody knows what for.
05 Best prolonged introduction
“The name’s Bond.” Thank you. Next. “The name’s Bond.” Wonderful. Next. Somewhere a casting director is hearing the same man introduce himself for the forty-seventh time. National security rests on whether he can do it near a chair.
06 Best use of the word jailbreak
A jailbreak for a games console. We have drawn it a tiny spoon and a tunnel. The console maintains it was only in there because its lawyer advised it to remain silent. The horse has agreed to drive the getaway car.
07 Least amusing contender
A shit headline to find wedged between a console jailbreak and checkout chores. Losing work is awful. We have drawn a box for the management wisdom. It is empty. They would like a bonus for the space saving.
08 People’s champion
An astonishing breakthrough in paying to stay somewhere: being allowed to fucking leave. No stripping the bed. No deputy facilities manager qualification. We snapped a tiny ceremonial mop over our knee. The cleaners have asked us to stop helping.
09 Best four-word descent into madness
A company. A verb. A nationality. Some trees. Every word adds information and somehow the whole thing becomes less comprehensible. We have drawn a tree looking at a search bar. It would like to be removed from the results.
10 Lifetime achievement in ruining dinner
PHP arrives at number ten carrying a folding chair. The websites are already down, but there is still time for a spirited discussion about whose dependency it is. Our horse has been paged. It has eaten the runbook.
