Filed Nightly · While you were sleeping · 2026-10-24
Eight contenders. One concealed badge. The robin is refusing to learn Q.
the disguise is also rainbow-coloured.
While you were sleeping, working, or making a defensible use of your time, the internet assembled another fight card. We have appointed ourselves judges. Nobody checked our references.
01 Most complicated imaginary plumbing
The words Alaska gas stake have produced a map, a pipe and an ownership chart on our desk. The pipe would like to know why the chart has more branches than it does. We have drawn a gas tap wearing a little business tie. It will not explain its structure.
02 Best use of an actual ballot
Voting. A real activity that cannot be completed by spending eight hours arguing in the replies. We have drawn a thumb trying to fit through a ballot slot. It is having trouble because a thumbs-up is not a vote. The like button has requested an extension.
03 Most unapologetic good news
Yesterday we allowed a wonky upward arrow to enjoy itself. It has returned with a party hat and no apology. Good. People noticing improvements are under no obligation to ruin the exercise by making our miserable little newsroom feel clever. The arrow gets cake.
04 Best alphabet exemption
A bird-photo prompt with alphabet rules and a robin escape clause. Excellent. We have drawn a robin holding the letter Q. It is not a quail. It has simply decided that the paperwork is somebody else’s problem. We support the bird.
05 Pound-for-pound champion
The trend describes pride pins being edited out of University Challenge. At last, protection from the terrifying possibility that a quiz contestant owns a badge. We have put the pin in witness protection. Its fake moustache is also rainbow-coloured.
06 Most keynote per hinge
Two halves, one very self-satisfied rectangle. We have drawn it a tiny hinge and a much larger sense of occasion. The imaginary presentation keeps folding the phone, then looking around to see whether we noticed. We noticed. You may put it down.
09 Busiest fictional visitor reception
Another character enters Fortnite, the increasingly busy waiting room where intellectual property meets itself. We have drawn Nikki a visitor’s sticker. The sticker is also available as a skin. Our imaginary shop has attempted to sell us the receipt.
10 Least impressed returning tree
The worried tree from our opening card has hired a tiny spokesperson: another tree. Their statement is leaves. We have spelled it out for the benefit of the technology sector: leave us the fuck alone. The spokesperson is available whenever it is not being a tree.
